Time is moving far, far too quickly for me. Living in the madyha, the eternal waiting space between life and death. That’s what it feels like…
I’m really starting to see things a lot more clearly, and am experiencing a lot from a place of immense frustration out of a need for inaction in the face of only wrong action. So pressing pause on actions that feel necessary, but are actually violent and could get me put into prison has been one of massive self-control, and since I’m in a process of encouraging my own uninhibited expression this has been completely hellish.
I don’t want to be hurting or hurtful but I am both. And I want to be spiritual and sorted but I’m having to really try to look inwards and see that I am reacting quite appropriately to what I am facing.
Don’t believe the myth – you don’t have to be calm to be a yoga teacher. To be close to enlightenment and ready to shuck the physical experience altogether, maybe. But to be here, dealing with the mud that will grow you to get you to there in several thousand lifetimes you need to be here and be present with what is here.
I’m being constantly reminded of the sweetness of life. A must, considering the absolute lows I’ve been facing.
When I was a child, my Grandad said to me, “stay as sweet as you are.” I used to think that meant to be good-natured and sweet to people, and I’ll admit that didn’t work out very well for me. In the yoga I study, sweetness is a quality of divinity and refers to the intrinsic joy, pleasure and beauty that pervades the existence of all things – in fact it is part of the nature of divine existence. So now, looking back with the wisdom I have now I can see that perhaps, to my Grandad, I could have been a beautiful reminder of God and that he puts things and people that bring us joy into our lives. At least, that’s how I’m re-imagining things.
While we can get lost in this as a form of escapism – a past-time that is called spiritual bypassing – it serves as a useful way of lightening the load when things get rough.
This month I’ve had to really learn to work with anger. It’s something that I covered in my weekly newsletter (along with the disastrous reasons why) and actually, these are simple things that anyone can do so I’m going to share them again here:
Scream (into a pillow if you can)
My vocal chords are hoarse from the screaming. I’m pretty certain my neighbours will never speak to me again. I don’t care. I feel better and in the heat of the moment, I didn’t reach for the kitchen knife. But very nearly.
My husband (okay, he’s a homemade bolster for supported yoga poses I usually cuddle) got punched this week. I suggest you punch something that isn’t going to hurt you or somebody else. Bolsters are great for this.
I chose to take up fire poi. This might not seem like the most intelligent thing as they double as a weapon and are probably much more a danger to me than someone else as a beginner, but the intense concentration that I need to be able to do this magical dance (without fire for now) has been very, very healing.
Anger is not easy to meditate with. But, feeling anger, feeling it, owning it, acknowledging it, paying it attention as an indication of what has happened. This is the work. This is the work. Breathe into your anger. Grab a journal. See what comes out. I wrote some hate mail and burned it.
These really did help, and I guarantee that if you need them they will be helpful tools for you also!
Anyway, looking ahead at the month there are quite a lot of things I’d like to virtually attend (although I make no promises!). One of my teachers Tara Judelle is holding some live virtual classes online again on three dates during the month, and also has some epic looking workshops. I run classes every Sunday (on demand) so if I don’t have people coming to mine I will probably go to hers. Luckily I close booking for mine 24 hours in advance of the class, so I’ll know in plenty of time. It’s no secret that unless in a state of real flow, ease and relaxation I really can’t deal with spontaneity.
She’s been a big inspiration of mine over the last few years and incorporates a lot of exploratory movement and dance into her classes and workshops which make them extremely good fun. But she is a teacher trainer so if you’re not quite there yet, I recommend you come to mine first.
She’s not the only inspiration! I’ve had the good fortune this summer to dive very deeply into a vast, vast ocean of teachers and practitioners who focus on embodiment, high-quality movement, deep meditation and intense self study and exploratory anatomy. There are far too many to list here, but if you just type the word “embodied” into instagram you can see how many accounts come up. It is the buzzword in movement right now.
The first summit I went to online was the Embodied Yoga Summit, and you can access it for free at the end of this month.
That’s one of the reasons I slightly redesigned my premium offering “Morphology.” Before I was leaning into the world of coaching, and the more I tried to dip my toes in, the more I felt myself coming straight back into some deep, deep, juicy and connected yoga practice. While coaching might cover some small portion of what it is I can offer – and I understand that coaching can be ANYTHING you want to help people with – the healing work I do isn’t going to be classed as coaching.
Instead it’s a live and wellness support service. I’m even shying away from calling it yoga, of course as a trained teacher and daily practitioner for many years now, yoga is a huge part of what I can offer. But I’m allowing other elements to come in, much like in the way my mentors and inspirations have done before me, to create an offering that is as unique as I am.
It’s not even therapy, but it’s application is therapeutic. And it reflects the way that I really, really feel called to work with people. In an ideal world, having a small select shifting group of clients who want to work in a way that is personal and intimate. It’s what really drives me. All the time I was teaching for experience and travelling, the moments that jumped out as really special to me were the ones where I was booking private clients or seeing the same people every day on a retreat and really being present with them. And then getting the joy of separating but keeping in contact and seeing them grow over the years. Feeling like I was able to do what I love and serve them in some small way.
Morphology makes things very simple. Rather than attending retreats that I organise and then offer to a wide audience, my time and schedule is organised around the small group of clients I am already supporting and know want to spend time working on their stuff in a focused and dedicated way.
Rather than coming to classes every day for a year, and not much changing – or going to one one-off transformational retreat and repeating the same old stuff, you can book a block of time in which you are a priority.
So perhaps you’re approaching a time where you think, “I need some extra help with feeling connected” but life is just too busy. Or maybe you’ve soldiered on through life and reached a point of real success – whether that’s financial stability, life autonomy, or just have that epiphany when you know that it is time to focus on being with you.
Or maybe it’s not so positive. Perhaps you’ve been holding it together for a while and you’re stuck in some unhealthy patterns that you can’t break.
That’s kind of what I’m an expert in. Dynamic, motivated, unstoppable change. And the rest and healing that is necessary to support that.
So you can book my services from three to twelve months at a time, and then using a menu can order a bespoke package that is expressly tailored to your needs throughout our time together. The types of things you can add to your package range from online private classes, to weekly phone call catch ups, to private one-on-one retreats anywhere in the world that we can!
If I think I’ve spent the last 10 years really investing in myself, and have gone from suicidal drug-user to solo world-travelling yoga teacher there is nothing that can’t be achieved without the right drive and support behind you.
I’ve seen what I can do for people in small doses, so I’m VERY excited to see what happens for those people I work with in a focused way over a longer period of time. And it’s going to be a slow growing-business, because I’m a little more preoccupied with finding the right clients.
I’d love to give you more, but for now, a shortie for September. If you want more updates, sign up for my newsletter for weekly catch-ups with yours truly.